In my 20’s I was desperately seeking love or now that I think about it maybe just sex!. For example I mistakenly believed that the very strong sexual attraction I felt for this particular hot dude could be turned into a long term relationship. That meant I spent years in an on and off relationship with a guy that I was immensely sexually attracted to, trying to make some kind of relationship work between us. This went on without me realizing that what we had really was a ‘friends (barely that) with benefits’ type of relationship. I invested a lot of emotion in that relationship, because in my mind he had to be it; I mean when we turned of those lights we felt so good together! It took 4 or 5 years of me struggling to make us work – he always had one foot in and the other one out the door- to realize that him and me were just not meant to be; we simply were not compatible in the other ways that counted. Having grown up a girl in a rather hypocritical, hyper-sexual yet uber conservative island -think Republican America under covers- for me the idea of sex was gift wrapped in religious and societal gender bias tied with a red bow of emotional bullshit. That healthy mix made navigating the naturally occurring, raging hormones of my late teens and 20s feel like a ride on a two-headed donkey named Shame ‘n Guilt all the way to hell. Hiding, shamefaced for feeling horny, and finding ways to satisfy my sexual desires outside of the legal sanctity of a marriage or even a steady relationship. Oh the Guilt!! Finally in my late 20s and into my 30’s like a ray of brilliant sunlight my ‘Virgo sensibility’ or something like it kicked in and I had a breakthrough of EPIC proportions! SEX and LOVE? Two completely different things!
Those close to me now will tell you that I am the one who is most vocal about keeping it real when it comes to sex and love. Forget the damn fantasies, in my mind and certainly in the reality of the society we live, sex is a bodily function much like eating. Hence, when the body has the physical need for sex we will, much like when we’re hungry, seek out ways to fill or feed that need. THAT is a fundamental truth whether we choose to act on it within the confines of a ‘relationship’ or not. In my mind that fundamental truth explains the explosion of the ‘FWB’ or Friend with Benefits type of relationships that is now prevalent – human beings are finally coming to terms with the fact that sex is just sex. That lesson learned has kept me away from many a bad emotional investment. Being able to walk away from a good sexual experience understanding that it was just that (good sex), without adding what can turn out to be an unhealthy emotional dimension to it makes for a much healthier and emotionally stable me. A me I much prefer to that younger insecure someone trying to make a love connection out of every single ‘attraction‘. That clarity of understanding allows me to see and accept people for who they are and make a decision about our situation and the type of relationship we will have -sex notwithstanding- honestly, confidently and guilt free. To me this is a powerful place in which to stand; for I have heard many a tale of couples who even after years of marriage suffer in silence, basic bodily functions unfulfilled, for not even the sanctity of couple-dom can save them from their personal stigma and shame around sex.
I’m single and very happily so. Having figured out that sexual liaisons and committed loving relationships are two completely different things has made living the single life a whole lot easier. It brings a calm and a peace of mind that allows me to take my time in the search for a mate. In fact if I am honest there isn’t much of a search on my part as I really do enjoy my own company, my friends, my life. Plus I especially love not having to explain myself to anyone. If I am sad or mad or happy I can simply be so without having to worry much about how my mood affects another. I like not feeling responsible for another person’s feelings; being responsible for saying the wrong things in the wrong way and hurting their feelings. Or not being there enough or not being what they need enough. I like having the space to figure myself out and come to terms with those various discoveries without having to battle through being afraid that ‘he’ may not like who I am turning out to be. It feels good to be wholly and completely OK with me, without the judgement and scrutiny of another. To grow up and love myself on my own terms.
Having said all of that, I will admit that sometimes there are moments when I dream of the perfect love. Mind you I do not refer to a love with no challenges or ups and downs. I am referring here to the love of a person that just gets me! Recently a fellow Traveling Black Chick asked if I wanted to get married; I thought about it and realized that, though I love being a single lady and I really am quite terrified of the true ‘nakedness’ commitment requires; I am still looking forward to fulfilling the dream of a simple wedding outdoors on the beach, or in a beautiful garden somewhere followed by a strong and endearing partnership filled with respect, kindness, laughter, love and yes, great sex! I told my friend that whenever I think of getting married I always have the same strong feelings and vision. I am surrounded by a very small tight-knit group of friends and family. I am looking into ‘his’ eyes and our love for each other is immense. We just know that its us. That it’s Him for Me and Me for Him. What was interesting is while I was telling this story to my friend I had a very strong feeling of calm, knowing in my deepest soul that this dream will one day be my truth.
Now for someone who LOVES her own space and life, I am rather shocked about feeling this calm about the possibility of impending couple-dom. Yet interestingly enough, this knowing, this feeling of certainty does not terrify me, rather it comforts me. I think this calmness makes sense to me because I feel he will arrive in divine time. That we would have chosen each other, having learnt the lessons and gone through the hard knocks. We would have both come to a place of personal knowledge and self-love, through the noise of other possibilities, with eyes wide open we will clearly see, know and choose each other. It is a joy being in this place of knowing calm, because it truly allows me to enjoy the now, to navigate the possibilities without desperation and to enjoy this journey through sexy self discovery to one day meeting my perfect love.
This post was triggered by an article I found online about figuring out the type of personalities that are most compatible in love. I thought it quite fun…so if you are not averse to reading some more, then click on the link to learn what type of mate best suits your perfectly, imperfect you!
Till then I am yours always!
A Traveling Black Chick
P.S Ladies the choice of abstinence or sexual self discovery through activity is your own to make. If you choose to explore, use the best pre-cautionary measures possible to protect your health and your heart, and be honest with yourselves and others.